| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|04:50 am] |
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Spitting up blood after throwing up. One of my many "joys' |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2009|11:35 pm] |
This time of year always fucking blows.
As always I'm broke and wondering how I can buy Christmas gifts. I'm surrounded by "Christmas cheer" and I can't fucking stand this holiday. I think some people think I'm joking when I say I hate Christmas. Well to put it bluntly and clearly, I'M NOT! This holiday is all about "happiness", "love" and "family" three things I've never fully had. So fuck this fucking holiday and fuck everyone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|09:49 pm] |
too many weeds in the flowers
too many pills in the pharmacies now
too many bugs in the shower
there's too much shit in the air we breathe now
there's too much anger inside me
there's too much scarring when i bleed
there's too much therapy i need
there is no god that i have seen
there's too much doubt in my mom's words
there's too much fear in the way she sees life
i wonder if i'm just like her
i wonder if i can make myself right
there's too much anger inside me
there's too much scarring when i bleed
there's too much therapy i need
there is no god that i have seen
you try to help
you listen well
you cannot change the way i see
there's too much anger inside me
there's too much scarring when i bleed
there's too much therapy i need
there is no god that i have seen |
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| Life is..... |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|12:31 am] |
Retarded.
So yeah, I guess my life has literally decided to go back to like 2005 or some shit.
I'm single again, my choice. I just couldn't get over things that happened.
I live at home again. Not my choice but the house I was staying at was sold. So now I'm a loser who sleeps in his parent's living room while all of his stuff is either boxed away in the basement or in storage.
That pretty much sums it up.
In short, I think I need to start seeing a therapist. |
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| Life Blows |
[Aug. 29th, 2008|11:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  shitty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My mind | ] |
In about twenty four hours I will return "home". Back to an apartment I now will live in alone. An apartment I now have to pay everything for on my own. In essence I'm fucked. But if you see me in person or ask me, I'll probably deny it or hide the fact of how totally screwed I am. If I'm lucky I make $300ish a week. That is how much my rent is a month. Add onto the fact that the electric bill averages in the hundreds and the gas and water combine add into another hundred. I am totally screwed. And to be honest it only seems like three people truly care. Me, my mom and Hayley. I doubt anyone else does or frankly I would've gotten more notice. Not to be thrown to the wolves on basically a whim by someone who at this time last year was asking me for my spare room. It fucking hurts. Through everything that sticks out in my mind the most. I helped out a friend this time last year who I doubt even batted an eye on what kind of situation he now leaves me in. Which is over my head. I can't find a roommate cause my parents are supposed to eventually buy out my dumbass uncle. I can't nor won't ask anyone for any money. I'm screwed. Seems like life always does this to keep me balanced and a realist. I guess I can't have everything. I have love so I can't have money. I have happiness so I can't have complacency. This fucking sucks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2008|02:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
She's not leaving me? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|01:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  miserable | ] |
She left me |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2008|11:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
I just don't know. |
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| Newness |
[Jun. 25th, 2008|07:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Led Zeppelin - "Immigrant Song" | ] |
So I guess its time for another update. Mainly because I feel like it.
Hayley and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. And I couldn't be happier.
I mean hell! In the first week of our relationship we've planned to do more stuff together than my past combined and fucking multiplied.
Speaking of which this just became a really busy year.
I'm taking her down the shore next saturday. And I can't wait
I got Rockstar Mayhem in August.
I got my week vacation down the shore.
We're going to go to the Renaissance Faire at some point.
I have my trip to see the Phils spank the Mets in Shea Stadiums.
We're going to go to a bunch of Flyers games when the season starts.
I'm getting a newer car at some point this year.
Can anyone say Eastern State Penn pt.2? Oh yeah, going back this year and taking my girl with me.
I don't know exactly what I'm doing for Halloween but I do know who I'm spending it with. :-)
Same goes for Christmas and New Years. :-)
I'm a very happy guy right now.VERY happy.
I look forward to what the future holds. Especially with her by my side. |
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| Changes |
[Jun. 16th, 2008|02:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "From Yesterday" - 30 Seconds to Mars | ] |
Wow, it has been a long time since I've posted an actual post.
A bunch of things have changed since then, some I won't mention because if you know me, you already know.
But I will mention that most likely I will be getting a better car for nothing as long as my "uncle" remains an idiot.
Also my living situation will be changing within a year, I'm not moving, its more my family is....to here.Which is good for me seeing as I won't have to pay rent anymore but it sucks that I practically have to kick Craig out. I'm sorry man.
Another thing that has changed is I've begun to see this amazing girl, her name is Hayley and I really REALLY like her. I've never been this interested in a girl in about two years. And surprisingly enough she likes me too. I get to see her again in a few hours which is just awesome and I'm giddy like a child just about spending time with her again.
It really does feel good being with her too, because for the first time ever I feel I can be myself while with someone. And not have to try ridiculously hard to woo them or try to change myself into the person they want so they stay with me.
So yeah, life is good. I'm looking for a new job, hopefully a state job, that way I can have a change of scenery and also stop destroying my body as well. I actually have a girl that I can hopefully soon call my own. And by the end of this summer I'll have a car I can actually be proud of.
Most of all, for the first time in a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time I'm happy. I mean completely happy and actually alive again. Its good to be out of the darkness and back into reality. I really have missed it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2008|07:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Fuck birthdays. |
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| Holy Crap! |
[Mar. 28th, 2008|09:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Avenged Sevenfold - M.I.A. | ] |
This has been one interesting year so far in the best ways possible. The main thing being that I have lost a bunch of weight and am continuing to lose weight still. For the first time I'm actually going to put out there how much I weighed when I started this diet. I weighed 370. Scary, I know. Now for the good news, I currently weigh 330. I've lost forty pounds so far. Forty fucking pounds! Holy shit! At this rate I am only six months away from my goal weight of 250. That is amazing to me since I've been big for most of my life.
The other interesting thing is my father is actually going to help me when I go for my next car. Which will probably be May. As most people who have read this thing for a while know, my father and I don't have to great of a relationship at all so that was surprising to actually have him agree to it.
So now that I feel unstoppable in doing and getting what I want, I am making a bold statement that will be true. By fall of 2008 I will be a college student, finally.
Man, life is actually good. |
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| Why Post Something New When You Can Recycle? |
[Mar. 23rd, 2008|11:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
Easter [Mar. 27th, 2005|11:02 am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]
[ music | Metallica - MAMA SAID ]
Its odd how things change.....at one point in my life this was one of my favorite holidays. I used to look forward to it every year. You know the basic kids stuff, the easter egg hunt, the candy, the overall fun. But nowadays since I'm older alot of holidays have lost their meaning and value to me, including this one. I mean my family pretty much does nothing different on this day except cook a ham (a turkey breast for me since I don't eat ham) and thats basically it. There was talks of perhaps dying some eggs so that might be a little fun but besides that nothing. I get up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home and then eat dinner and call it a night. I truly do miss some aspects of my childhood, just the general innocence that is now lost. I really can't pinpoint the time in my life that I became so dark and serious either...its like a blur to me. To all that read this today Happy Easter! Hopefully you'll find ways to enjoy it, be it with family or loved ones of any kind. Me? I'll be dealing with the last minute jackasses at Shop-Rite. |
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| Any Takers? |
[Mar. 14th, 2008|10:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Here to Stay (MSI Remix)" - KoRn | ] |
I need to make new friends to hang out with and bullshit or just go somewhere on a whim with. I no longer have that. I honestly haven't had that for a long, long time. Honestly its starting to bother me. I mean I guess I can get most of my friends for wanting to be with their significant others but it seems like because of that I never hang out with anyone. Ever. It fucking sucks. |
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| Ugliness |
[Mar. 7th, 2008|10:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink Floyd - "Young Lust" | ] |
I really have noticed something about myself I guess I have previously forced myself to not notice or just to flat out ignore. I am not as innocent as I have made myself out to be for my past. And after YEARS of ignoring it I am finally going to accept blame for my actions.
I know now that I have treated some people unfairly in my past and have blamed everything on them without looking to see if some of the blame belonged to me. Well it did and does. Sick thing is I wouldn't have noticed unless I did those same actions with another individual some almost three years later.
And yes I know I am being very vague right now but to the ones this is about, they already know what I mean and as always I am using this journal as a means to vent and to explore my own inner self.
What I will not be vague about (and trust me this is going to be a hard one) is the fact that I have noticed I am very insecure. Which will also explain why my actions that hurt others happened when they did. They always happened when I thought I had nothing at all to lose.
My insecurity mainly comes to play when I feel I do. Like when trying to get romantically involved with someone I always over think EVERYTHING and question everything instead of having that never say die confidence I have at the wrong times. Which is what I have noticed has made me give off more of a friend type of vibe than anything else. Whereas when I feel I have nothing to lose I'm more like well myself I guess. Or at least the confident guy I wish I was.
So in short this is a rebuttal to myself for every single post I have ever made and only laying blame on the other party. This is my way of at least attempting to remove the venom and knives I've inserted in situations over the years.
All in all, this is me doing something that is extremely hard for me.
This is me saying I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for hurting those I know I hurt, whether it was yesterday or years ago.
I'm sorry for continuing to hurt you by laying blame strictly on you at any chance I get and just plain being a spiteful prick.
I'm sorry that now due to my actions a select few do not feel entirely comfortable with me.
And I completely understand why. |
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| Moment of Truth Followed by Ramblings of a Jackass |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|09:48 am] |
Today in exactly an hour and twelve minutes I find out if my dieting for the past three months has paid off at all. Today I go in to see my family doctor, get weighed and go from there. I'm hoping it has but I can't really tell seeing as I see myself everyday and can't notice the subtle changes if there are any. Today is also the day where I am going to talk to him about everything I want to get taken care of health wise. Like my inability to breathe through my nose due to a post nasal drip, see what to do about the cosmetic issues about my knees and to also possibly talk about seeing a chiropractor to bite that bullet before its too late.
To say that I am anxious and nervous is an understatement. I really don't want to find out that my dieting has been a failure. I've almost completely changed my eating and drinking habits to a ridiculous degree. I hardly if ever partake in the foods I used to enjoy.
I really hope I am on the way to a healthier better me.
Then my next challenge will be my god damned horrible self image. The self image that has been fucked up since I was a lad that continued to become more and more fucked up with every failure of a relationship.
It has gotten to the point where I have no confidence in myself and do not like looking at myself in the mirror anymore. Thanks Samantha,Jonette,Chade and Angel. Thanks a lot.
You know what? Fuck that last line! Its my own fucking fault to allow myself to continue to be affected by minuscule bullshit that happened with each of them. Time to grow the fuck up already.
Time to stop hating myself already. Fuck! I'm awesome! If you don't agree with me....fuck you. |
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| I need |
[Jan. 12th, 2008|10:47 pm] |
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I need a social circle, a dating pool if you will. I have no real hobbies that have any sort of interaction with new people. |
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| I think..... |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|10:45 am] |
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I might stop blogging. No one seems to read these anyway. |
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captainiconious's journal
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